2009 has been a series of letting go for me. this is not easy, of course. it is like the feeling of waiting for boarding in the airport, hoping that something is going to happen at the last minute and give you an ultimate reason to stay.

of course, almost always, nothing happens at the last minute. but then again, i stay and miss only God knows how many flights because i choose to stay anyway. i stay, hoping, that whatever that thing that is supposed to happen at the last minute is still going to happen no matter how late it gets.

stupid, of course.

within 365 days, i have learned the art of letting go in 3 different stages.

one, admit the fact that you have to let go. two, mean it. three, simply let go- the kind that no longer holds back.

the hardest of the 3 would be the second. because the moment i realize that whatever i have struggled to let go of comes back, it becomes more painful. like, a hundred times painful. and i start meditating on a hundred more different shades of hurt, because i know i can never fool myself too long. i lie when i say i am letting go for the most part.

this year, i have decided that i would do better in loving myself. holding on to something that is not meant to stay defeats all these.

in time, i'll do better. this is another year, another year to undo the things that i should have not done in the past year.

God, help me.

we just fade together with the lies that we make, don't we?

from ally mcbeal - you belong to me

See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember, darling all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so lonesome without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

Maybe you'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

Maybe you'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

today i got me new contact lenses. but even that did not change how i see things. you are still far.

i am afraid to ask you to help me move on, because maybe, you also have some moving on to do yourself. so why not we help each other move on?

philip j. fry

slowly, i drag deeply into my cigarette and blow smoke randomly into the air. i watch as it floats around you, lingering for a while and disappears. like a happy thought that doesn't stay long.

like most of the time, you would concentrate on your iced tea/pepsi maxx/cold water. you would let your finger play with the ice cubes and let them tinkle against the glass. as always, you would ignore me.

and so, i would start ranting about how my day has been. just lately, i have always been ranting with a beer in one hand. patiently, you would sit there, occasionally responding with 'uhuh,' or 'right,' in all the right places, and wait for me until i get drunk so you could safely take me home.

how many times, exactly, have you sat there, fry? how can you possibly come back and sit at the exact same table every night when i always become worse than i was the night before?

but then again, these questions were never asked out loud. all conversations just seem to fail everytime you hold my hand and just go crazy. until last night, you asked me what exactly we were doing.

lamely, i answered i don't know. truth is, i don't want to know.

maybe, if i start wanting to know, it would take me time that you're already gone when i get back. what then, is the use of all those answers, when the reason i am finding them out for has already left?

for now, you have stayed. but that is only in the meantime. i amuse you, don't i?

that's probably the reason i have kept you from leaving until now. and then, the question i have kept from asking you for the longest time now: how long can i amuse you, fry?

it scares me when you start talking about forever. the last time i was promised forever only lasted around 3 months. i have not been a big fan of forever since then.

i need a keeper, fry. and it hurts how you slowly become just that everytime we count up to all the days that we have been like this.

and so, while the questions are unanswered, we stay this way. me, with a bottle of beer, sitting across you, staying sober and humming with whatever song the bar decides to play.

what if i fall for you, fry? what are you going to do?

crying like church on a monday

i was dancing
with your shadow
slow down, memory's hall
i said 'wait, have i been seduced and forgotten?'
you said, 'baby, haven't we all?'

now i don't like crying
cos it only gets me wet
but i can't help failing
to remember to forget you
cos i know it's gonna be a long time

now i'm crying like a church on a monday
praying for these feelings to go away
so do me a favor baby
put down your big god
and love me like sunday again

i was hiding in your bedroom
when i saw him come inside
i can't live oh in his shadow
cos that's where i'm dancing
til i die
now i don't light candles
cos they make me see the light

but i can't help failing
to remember to forget you
cos i know it's gonna be along time