when i first mentioned i was going to get myself contact lenses, you told me to never get anything that looks artificial. of course i said no, i was going to get the black ones. like my eyes. by default, i feel more comfortable wearing glasses, but you know how clumsy i am. i misplace them. i had bought me 2 sets of eyeglasses in 3 months. so, when i was finally about to get those lenses, you sent me a text message that simply said, "are you sure your eyes are black?"
now, as i put those contacts everyday and look at my eyes closely in the mirror, i realized you're right. my eyes aren't black.
but that isn't the only thing i have come to realize lately. everything sinks in slowly. slowly and painfully, that i wish everything will just come all at once and hurt me in one blow so i could move the hell on. but life is not that fair. the rest have to come piece by piece, and drag you hurting as you move along. ah, life.
but the things that hurt the most are not always said. it's those little things. how you would suddenly withdraw your gaze when i catch you staring at me longer than usual. or how you send me those nonsensical text messages at 3 in the morning.
these are the little heartaches i wish i could tell you. the silence over coffee has become longer. and i have been wishing harder you would stay every time you decide to leave.
i pray i'll stop wishing i could say these things to you. hopefully, you'll finally find the words to fill in those silent spaces. then, just maybe, i would find myself saying yes, i feel exactly the same way, and what took you so long to say that, silly.
one time, you asked me if i have a problem you know nothing about. as always, i say no. no, doesn't mean i don't have a problem. it is no, because i don't have a problem you know nothing about. how long can we possibly pretend it's not there? if you can't see it, then i don't know how else i can make you. sooner or later you are going to leave me, that's why i am holding on to you as much as i can.
i guess what i am trying to say is, you are my own version of contact lens. i want you to stay within my sight.
i don't want to misplace you.
i speak the loudest when i am silent. i have stopped speaking for quite some time now. i just hope you hear me correctly. more closely than just my eyes, i wish you are noticing me more.
september 29, 2009
